Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please be rude to your waitstaff because spit and pubes taste delicious when sprinkled on your food.

   After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   counting down!!! Only 91 days until Christmas, that's right CHRISTMAS :)

   When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"

   Cortana dies at the end of Halo 4. There, I just saved you 6 hours of your life.

   I was so poor growing up, we had to use BOTH sides of the toilet paper.

   No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

   GIRL PICK UP LINES: "I want to be the girl that takes your breath away and gives you CPR with my v@gina"

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   Andy Murray has done it for the United Kingdom! Yipee!!

   If a girl from Iceland. .an a guy from cuba have a baby ...is it an ice-cube.... lol.. ;)

   Marijuana is a gateway drug to pizza.vThat's all.

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   Me: How much for a wank? Prostitut: $15 Me: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night

   If Nike made condoms, would their advertizing slogan be "Just do her."?

   Spooning can lead to forking.

   Finally able to check off Bucket list #19 - Surf through New York City

   It should be called a vaninja since I never see it.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.