Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First God created men....then he had a better idea!!

   Jesus take the wheel...I'm tired...and I want to finish that dream you had issues with....

   Dear Nickelback, I'll give you a dollarback if you'll stop making music.

   in your boyfriends extended network.

   wearing all cotton clothes while eating chicken, watermellon and drinking purple kool aide; while learning about black history month.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Guess what. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies? :/

   No you stupid assassins! I said BIEBER, not WINEHOUSE

   GO SEAHAWKS!

   ~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

   In honor of my childhood idol, Whitney Houston, who has been sober for 10 days now, I am giving up beer for Lent. She is a true inspiration and a hero...

   thanks Obama......my advent calendar has pictures of Repo-Men, foreclosure notices and disconnect notices.

   Tea Party = Undercover White Supremacy

   Dear Apple, I have a new product for you. It's called iAmPissed.

   Are you into fitness? Then you shouldn't have a problem fitness d*** in ur mouth!

   You'll have to excuse me for the next 72 hours. I am re watching seasons 1-5 of 'Lost' in dazzling 1080i and a tremendous surround sound

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies???

   Don Sterling in trouble for freedom of speech!!!

   Wow, woke up this morning and Al Gore's still right about global climate change, how about that?