Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're ugly when the plastic surgeon wants to add a tail

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   Why is "All Together" written separately, but "Separately" is written all together?

   "im a good girl" -bad girls

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Happy endings only ever exist if you find a good masseuse. Other than that they are nothing but a fairytale!

   Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

   I never make the same mistake twice. Except for that time in Thailand. But in my defence they had really small atoms apples.

   A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service. You can only play games.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   "Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.

   What superpower would I want? The ability to know if the bite of food is rotten or moldy BEFORE I stick in my mouth and chew!

   I just bought Monopoly, 2011 special edition. It's really not fun to play. The banker always wins.

   GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!

   I am dreaming to became rich...just like my father..."is your father rich?" ...no! he is dreaming too

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   It's not your fault you guys aren't funny... but thanks for the effort in trying.