Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   Lifes tough, Wear a helment.

   goin to say on judgement day....he made me do it!!!!

   supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.

   going to go save the world.........its the only place with chocolate

   evaluating your profile to maximize chances of a long term friendship

   i walked in to my local hardware store after work a member of staff asked if I wanted decking, I quickly got the first punch in before he had chance

   had a handle on life, but it fell off with the wheel

   yesterday I said I was gonna FML...i did....but I forgot protection...now i'm screwed

   thinking that anyone who has sex with a justin bieber CD playing in the room is CLEARLY underage and should STOP!

   I have Bieber Fever. I listened to a song by Justin Bieber and now have a 103 degree temperature, I'm throwing up, and have a huge headache.

   born to party forced to study

   I remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   Seems the Meadowlands couldn't handle all the Cowboy's touchdown. The stadium had no choice but to short circuit and shut down due to the confusion. For 12 minutes fans were able to experience a real Cowboys game...a complete blackout.

   Ladies, if the bra doesn't fit don't wear one! No need seeing them two looking like two bald men fighting

   Hi, I was just curious cause I saw you noticing me so I'm just giving you a notice that I noticed you after you noticed me. Shall we chat or continue flirting from a distance?

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   Facebook: You already know a person by looking at his/her profile even if you never met or talked to that person in your entire life

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.