Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   couldn't get a girl even if he bathed in chocolate and wore clothes made of $1,000 bills

   Quit while you're ah

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

   Save a baby seal...Club a liberal.

   BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

   believes it was Plato who once shared this sage advice: You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin'

   keeps a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat, So....

   thinks the McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   here to tell you, honey, that I'm bad to the bone. B-b-b-b-bad.

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   demands: BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes. Whichever.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.