Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.

   My dentist told me I need a crown I was like..pfft! I know right should've been given one years ago.

   They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick

   Maybe......Obama can put his government shutdown barricades up in federal waters and block Tropical Storm Karen!?!?

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful

   Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"

   Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.

   The founder of McAfee Anti-Virus running away from the Law? Maybe Norton can detect him better!

   I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again.

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   when asked about the Lakers struggles lately, Kobe said, "Dude, I got away with rape so it's no biggee..."

   WTF.... (welcome to facebook)

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”