Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   .... If you insist on using illegal Fireworks for the 4th of July this year .... Please make sure you remove the sombrero first.

   Body builder/ figure competitor women do not have the body of a man. They have the face of one.

   I don't play hard to get I play get away from me you creep.

   "Twerking" is in the dictionary but "Fingering" is not. I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.

   I can't believe it's already been a whole year since the world ended.. :(

   I haven't given up hope yet. I still have a Powerball ticket at home that I haven't checked.

   Unless the waitress is hot and with it nobody wants to see a photo of the food you got at the resturant.

   This Year I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex...... Box One

   When I said your were an angel, I meant Lucifer.

   A 15 year-old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Not to brag, but I'm pretty amazing at smacking asses

   going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

   There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   I won the spelling bee in second grade due to a technicalaty.

   I'm so upset! I just got a hole in my jeans. Damnit!! And they were my favourite torn jeans. I only wanted three holes, not four.

   a painter paints pictures on canvas musicians paint the pictures on silence unless you're a musician in a cover band your painting by numbers over a bunch of loud mouth drunks

   When did Marie Osmond become a Dietician?