Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever skip a day from taking a shower, and you run your finger behind your ears and it smells like parmesan cheese?

   Wonder if Ben Affleck and the AFLAC Duck are related?

   breaking news from ESPN. Javon Belcher listed as doubtful for tomorrow's game vs. Carolina

   A silent fool can pass for a wise man. It's also the Republican Party's best strategy.

   A man walks into a bar. He says to the bartender..... "Ow".

   I would imagine I'll react with double the glee when Sleepy Joe dies as you clowns feel about Rush.

   heard that Amy Winehouse didn't do any drugs today. Good for her!

   James Holmes was able to legally buy 6000 rounds of ammo online, and Tommy Chong was put in jail for selling bongs.

   Trump for president!! Come on pple!

   I'm predicting Obama will take an early lead tomorrow. Until all the Republicans get off work.

   Remember,,, Great sex is one involuntary fart away from being funny sex

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.

   I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet...

   If the clitoris really wanted to be found it wouldn't hide inside a hood.

   I think they should replace oxygen on the planes masks with laughing gas. I mean you are gonna die anyways at least this way you are happy about it. 

   A little advie: Never EVER buy sushi from the home shopping network.

   What's on my mind? Let's peer inside and listen... "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." Wow! That was akward. 

   What do the New Orleans Saints and Benny Mardones have in common? They are both one hit wonders....

   hiding hulk behind his zipper!!!