Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks the only type of TV "analyst" position Sarah Palin is qualified for would be on Jerry Springer... or Hee Haw.

   I took two Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all day.

   The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be really confused by a push/pull door.

   Why don't Mexico have an Olympic team this year? Because all those who can run, jump and swim are in America!!

   answers Bob Dylan's question: "How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?" The answer is 14! Now get a job you freaking hippie!!!

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   Did you guys hear about the new "Exorcist" movie? A woman hires the Devil to pull a priest out of her son. BADA BING BADA BOOM

   Fat people need to accept that being fat isn’t a crime. It’s not a disease. And being called fat isn’t an insult.

   - Little boy writes to Santa: Please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: Ok, send me your mother.

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says hey your quite a celbrity around here we even have a drink named after you. The grashopper says wow you got a drink named Steve.

   says If the NBA really wanted me to watch, they'd be playing Hockey instead eh!!

   .... Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote..... Well .... Unless she is sooooo Absolutely corrupt .... Then you will!!!!.

   Its called a WATER HEATER people. Not a hot water heater!!

   went to Church the other day and when the plate came to him, he asked what it was for. The man said it was an Offering. So he took it.

   I nominate Stephen Hawkings for the ice bucket challenge.

   I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when I enter it in iTunes it says 'Syncing Titanic' and I feel like a H E R O when I press 'Cancel'

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to now read "Excellent source of hangover cure."

   having zero tolerance for the lactose intolerant

   hates it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic