Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey

   .... Happy Easter!!! ... BTW it's also 4-20 ... so it's also Easter Bowl Sunday!

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   I'd do anything for love... except get married.

   I just replaced the deodorant in the office's bathroom with an air horn. And now I wait.

   Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   I never heard of Lindsey Graham... Who is she?

   looks like Kermit the frog won't be "bringing home the bacon" anymore...

   [high school reunion] Him: I'm a doctor Her: I'm a lawyer Him: What do you do? Me: PEOPLE VALIDATE ME ON THE INTERNET..

   Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls is out with yet another injury. If this had happened earlier in the week, the Pope could have healed him.

   Dramas are for women. Rationnals are for men.

   Black Friday Separating Americans from money they don't really have since 1966.

   If the grass appears to be greener on the other side it's probably because that's where the septic tank is.

   With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...

   Gronk out for season. Ramsey will throw the cheese curls in the air again.

   Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.

   Ladies; Don't forget to text him and ask how his d*ck is today

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.