Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   giving up Pabst Blue Ribbon for Lent.. first few days are always the hardest

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.

   Jed Clampett needs to go shootin for some food again. Black Gold, Texas Tea.

   I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

   I'm Irish, give me a liver.

   The snow is always lighter on the other side of the road

   The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

   I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

   My neighbors keep listening to the same song over and over again…..whether they like it or not…..

   There should be a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says "Yes they're fake! My real one's tried to kill me!"

   Earlier I saw a guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" waiting at a crosswalk, so I decided to gas it for two main reasons. First I refuse to stop & wait on any guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" & Secondly If he walked out in front of me I would be doing the world a favor!