Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   My friend text me a joke, good thing I was pooping when I got it cause I would have pissed myself

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your minde. Feelings and emotions.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.

   We are not Chemicals.. So We can think before Reacting.

   I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   *Girl on Facebook* "I need a boyfriend for the winter to keep me warm" ...or you can just buy a coat

   One of my ex's dreams in life was to go on a helicopter ride, so like the good guy I was, I made it come true. She was air-lifted to the hospital after I cut the brake lines on her car

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   Dear Karma – I have a list of a few people you missed. Sincerely, Me

   Dear Inventor of the Keyboard, Why did you make the "t" and the "g" so close together? I keep signing my letters "With Retards"

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   The only thing I can truly count on in life is a calculator.

   If you're always honest you will never feel stupid.

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.