Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   I hate when college professors make you introduce yourself to the entire class.

   wonders what guys did before baseball was created to tell how far they had gone with a girl.

   Ashley Madison is my favorite cheating website named after the two most spoiled girls in every 4th grade class.

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   Just got a new computer with 24" monitors at work! Sweet, now I can goof around in HD!

   Have you ever tried to k!ll your crazy stalker?

   I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!

   Seriously its 2013, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh.

   I don't understand why I get strange looks from dudes at the gym when I ask'em to spot me. Not my fault I can't reach my back in the shower.

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   The Prince in Cinderella thinks he is so macho smooth!... He notices womens shoes and wears epaulettes...yea...thatll throw off the gaayy vibe

   If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!"

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!

   Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano?

   "That comes to $13" "how's this for payment?" *rubs chest sensually* "sir ur body's not legal tender" "why not? i'm legal… and i'm tender"

   My w hite workmate was complaining about how his dog is always leaving its hair all over the house, on furniture, bed and on the carpet. I told him I can relate because my girlfriend is always leaving her weave on my carpet, sofa, bed and in my damn car.

   The stores are packed with folks gearing up for their Easter fashion shows, the same way they do for Christmas. The central figure for both these holidays was reduced to wearing a loin cloth for one, and swaddling for the other.