Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care what your birth certificate says, If you have long hair you’re a lady as far as I am concerned.

   Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.

   Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature.

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Alicia Keys at the supermarket: "THIS MILK IS EXPIRED!"

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.

   Yesterday my fat girlfriend gave herself a landing strip. Today she got hit by a plane.

   Snowball Fight! :) o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.❄。¨¯`*✲ ´*。.❄¨¯`*✲。❄*´*。✲O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸¸.✲.¸.o´¯`¸.o´¯`❄¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.✲´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸❄。`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄。¨¯`*�

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   Obama Says He Will Re-send Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I wanted to write something about DJ AM but some people said it was too early, so i'm gonna wait 'till noon.

   Mexico's president says that there is "no way" his country would ever pay for a wall between it and the United States. We are now waiting for Donald Trump's stupid response to this....

   Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone

   My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.