Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!

   very sure her exhusband is smiling at his girlfriends new red hair because now she resembles me even more.

   “If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”

   Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!

   I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous

   wondering just how exactly do you meet the girls from the single-ladies commercials?! theyre hot!

   The mexicans said to Donald Trump "estás despedido, estúpido idiota"

   Harrison Ford was in a plane crash. I hope he was flying "Solo" Eh?

   did you get Hillery's email ? nope I didn't either,,,,,

   I don't care what your birth certificate says, If you have long hair you’re a lady as far as I am concerned.

   Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.

   Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature.

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Alicia Keys at the supermarket: "THIS MILK IS EXPIRED!"

   Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.

   Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”