Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eggs hide themselves when I tell them Chuck Norrris is coming!

   We had a girl pilot on the flight home which was fine until she overflew the airport taking duckface pictures.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND

   A creepy bug crawled into my taco and now I know why women hate spiders.

   FACT: Toilet paper is more useful than your precious college degree. At least an "a**hole" would always hire a roll for to pay off his "sh*t" not student loan debt.

   "I would of still be in High School if Google didn't exitst"

   not a piece of meat! Though I suppose, technically, I could be turned into several pieces of meat pretty easily

   I dont ever wanna be known as a snitch, so if I ever say " Okie Dokie Artichokie" it means I'm wearing a wire

   The only thing better than a good thing, is more of it.

   Spongebob: hey can I talk with you for a second? Squidward: I dont know thats a pretty long time

   Ka•ra•o•ke noun. Origin: Japan Definition: Tone-deaf drunk with a microphone.

   Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.

   I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.

   Has sex like a Ninja! I'm so quick you never knew I was there!!!

   Crap, out of toliet paper again..send help

   I wish I could see myself from a woman's perspective.

   It is safe to cook a turkey from the frozen state. The cooking time will take at least 50 percent longer....... REDNECK COOKIN

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   Maybe you should start eating your makeup that way you will look better on the inside too