Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   preparing for next Halloween..... Just ordered a pinata costume for his wife and enough sticks for all the kids in the neighborhood.

   I Like my Job on my day's off, I LOVE my job on paydays!

   Yay Ground hogs day is on TV. Yay ground hogs day is on TV.

   teasing mall cops by running out of every store at top speed. starting to enjoy the frisking...

   Has anyone ever got like a lil pain or cough and you google your symtoms and it always say you may have cancer or HIV/AIDS....#nevagooglesymtomsagain

   Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.

   I'm Irish. I don't like anything I can't drink, f#ck, or punch.

   whatever happened to Gallant and Gufus?

   better to be slapped by the truth than kissed with a lie

   went to a sorority house party, passed out and woke up with ovaries on my cheeks and a gaping √agina on my nose...it would have been funnier if they had just drawn something

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.

   Eggs hide themselves when I tell them Chuck Norrris is coming!

   We had a girl pilot on the flight home which was fine until she overflew the airport taking duckface pictures.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND

   A creepy bug crawled into my taco and now I know why women hate spiders.

   FACT: Toilet paper is more useful than your precious college degree. At least an "a**hole" would always hire a roll for to pay off his "sh*t" not student loan debt.

   "I would of still be in High School if Google didn't exitst"

   not a piece of meat! Though I suppose, technically, I could be turned into several pieces of meat pretty easily

   I dont ever wanna be known as a snitch, so if I ever say " Okie Dokie Artichokie" it means I'm wearing a wire

   The only thing better than a good thing, is more of it.