Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   Even though they so many people die because of alcohol, you never think about how many of them are born because of it.

   They call them "pizza rolls" because"pizza love handles" was too wordy.

   I wonder if I ask too many hypothetical questions?

   Went to a Real life party and I knew everybody there. Went to a Facebook party and saw most of my friends. Went to a Twitter party and didn't know anybody there. Went to a Myspace party and I was the only one there.

   Same old same old __ I frikkin' love weekends :D __ you're welcome!!!

   Just left Disney resort to Orlando airport on the Disney's magical express.. Yeah right the magic here is the break I will have on my mastercard

   If my computer had a neck id punch it in the neck!

   For those of you who won't be joining us in Heaven tomorrow but going to the other place below, Pauly Shore will be the guest on The View.

   The awkward moment when you wake up and your house is gone

   I always thought Lance Armstrong was caught doping years ago and we all decided to just be cool with it...

   You'll never get over me... and you won't be getting under me either!

   If the world's a stage, maybe some of us should get off.

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Hard to believe there's another little Weiner on the way I'm thinking "Oscar Meyer" has a certain schwing to it.......

   My heart is staying right where it belong, locked up in it's cage.

   The jury was carefully selected based on their beliefs. Primarily, the ir belief that the Sun circles the Earth, and the preferred method of courtship is to bonk a woman over the head with a club then drag her into a cave.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   It's not everyday you see a color you have never seen before.... The flame under Atlantis was an indescribable.

   Remember when using “protection” meant wearing your helmet?