Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world's a stage, maybe some of us should get off.

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Hard to believe there's another little Weiner on the way I'm thinking "Oscar Meyer" has a certain schwing to it.......

   My heart is staying right where it belong, locked up in it's cage.

   The jury was carefully selected based on their beliefs. Primarily, the ir belief that the Sun circles the Earth, and the preferred method of courtship is to bonk a woman over the head with a club then drag her into a cave.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   It's not everyday you see a color you have never seen before.... The flame under Atlantis was an indescribable.

   Remember when using “protection” meant wearing your helmet?

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.

   If you think you're alone and nobody notices you, try not paying your bills.

   Dear boys, the whole 'speed-by-girls-in-my-noisy-truck-and-impress-them' doesn't really work...but, then again you probably didn't need to hear that from me did you?

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   I may not have the gift to grant your wishes, but until then, I'll make your dreams come true.

   When it comes to guns and condoms- it's better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them. Be safe FB friends... Be safe

   "My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at" wrong people. :)

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.

   This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!