Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you mean sex with no strings attached, how else am I gonna tie that ass up?

   Today's marks the 5th anniversary of being with my girl and my current job. The difference is my job still suck$.

   WebMD says I have hypochondria... is that serious? :o\

   Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.

   dear Hollywood: When you find an action star who's not gay and taller than the girl, let me know...

   I like it when they surprise you with that little silica gel candy in new shoes. New sneakers and a snack!

   Accidentally bought Nascar Oreos...Now I feel like White Trash

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   what time do they drop the ball to set our clocks ahead?

   Hold your horses there Plex-King. A little moderation if you please.

   Today is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. “So it’s like any other day. Right?

   I can't believe you brought to this restaurant that doesn't have any liquor. What am I suppose to eat!?

   Just took some cough syrup. I made that scrunchie face and shook my head just like I was a little kid.

   Kim Kardashian is reproducing. It's Kim's egg mixed with Kanyes' seed. Touche' Mayans.

   I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.

   the hardest job in the world has to be a toothpick salesman. I still have half a box left I bought in 1997!

   Found a gray nose hair. Transformation to Gandalf: 1% complete.

   I am just a girl standing in front of a stalker, asking him to leave her the hell alone.

   having Fiasco perform at a pre-inaugural party sure turned out to be a fiasco!!