Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be a bartender for thirty minutes some night, just to put actual rocks in some drinks. Till I get bored. Or punched in the throat.

   Lemme get this straight. You were just on transit in England for 2 days and now you have a British accent!! Quite the bafoonery.

   What if the dryer didnt take a sock, but actually gave us an extra sock - Some stoned dude

   just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one...

   In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.

   NASA has some crazy $hit on their bucket list!!

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   I'm emotionally unavailable and sexually unobtainable... When I'm sober.

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   She broke my heart I broke her iPhone. Imagine who cried more?

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.

   What do you mean sex with no strings attached, how else am I gonna tie that ass up?

   Today's marks the 5th anniversary of being with my girl and my current job. The difference is my job still suck$.

   WebMD says I have hypochondria... is that serious? :o\

   Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.

   dear Hollywood: When you find an action star who's not gay and taller than the girl, let me know...

   I like it when they surprise you with that little silica gel candy in new shoes. New sneakers and a snack!

   Accidentally bought Nascar Oreos...Now I feel like White Trash

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.