Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JAB, I'd start a conversation with one of you, but it's easier to sit here and ignore you. . .

   These days alot of celebrities are getting divorces. Micheal Jordan just got married, I wonder when the new Air Divorces are comming out?

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   ~ I bet Mediocrities was the most average philosopher ever (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

   As long as my stalker has a car, I don't mind one bit. Cuz free roadside assistance.

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   If you can't out run your problems run towards them and destroy them.

   David Beckham is retiring at the end of this season. Girls everywhere are shocked with this news, saying "Wait, he was a footballer?!"

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   The ONLY 2 acceptable excuses a man can't spend time with his child is if he's DEAD or IN JAIL, Happy Father's Day

   I burn bridges just to be able to light up my bong.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist but,,, Wooooop Wooooop Rearrearrearrear

   I hate going to Wal Mart. Every time I go, the cashier always checks me out...

   All I wanted was one good Zimmerman status but nooooo you guy;s let me down : (

   I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.

   Women spend more time thinking about what men think…….. But men do not actually do any thinking……

   If Drake rapped about coming out of the closet: I started as a bottom, now I'm queer!