Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ONLY 2 acceptable excuses a man can't spend time with his child is if he's DEAD or IN JAIL, Happy Father's Day

   I burn bridges just to be able to light up my bong.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist but,,, Wooooop Wooooop Rearrearrearrear

   I hate going to Wal Mart. Every time I go, the cashier always checks me out...

   All I wanted was one good Zimmerman status but nooooo you guy;s let me down : (

   I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.

   Women spend more time thinking about what men think…….. But men do not actually do any thinking……

   If Drake rapped about coming out of the closet: I started as a bottom, now I'm queer!

   I want to be a bartender for thirty minutes some night, just to put actual rocks in some drinks. Till I get bored. Or punched in the throat.

   Lemme get this straight. You were just on transit in England for 2 days and now you have a British accent!! Quite the bafoonery.

   What if the dryer didnt take a sock, but actually gave us an extra sock - Some stoned dude

   just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one...

   In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.

   NASA has some crazy $hit on their bucket list!!

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   I'm emotionally unavailable and sexually unobtainable... When I'm sober.

   Britney Spears is a judge on the X Factor and Khloe Kardashian is a host. Is this a circus or a music competition?

   She broke my heart I broke her iPhone. Imagine who cried more?

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.