Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.

   I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   ''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.