Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, I've been really good today, so lets focus on that!

   Whats the difference between you and a hippo? One is fat, lazy, ugly, disgusting, smelly, and weird .......then there's the hippo

   You know why cowboys wear big buckles? It's a tombstone for a dead prick !

   Put a condom on your heart & f$ck your feelings.

   The lump of coal I received this year was of exceptional quality, 9,326,423 years ago was a fine vintage year

   Nothing says dumba$$ like re-gifting someone a gift they gave you.

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status

   Stop with the blank and blank that you idiot

   If someone from New Jersey bites you, are you from New Jersey?

   If I were a cop......Just as I get ready to taze someone I would say..............pikaaaaaaaaaa.........................CCCCHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Time travel:: like if you think it be cooler to go back in time..thu-mb down if travel into the future..???

   Some relationships in life are like fat people, they don't work out.

   Just ran into a girl I've jerked it to on facebook...met her for the first time in public today...let's just say...wat a creeper

   The Universe will be in cosmic harmony once Michael J. Fox endorses the "Shake Weight", & Chris Brown the "Slap Chop".

   My friend came over to my place for the first time this evening, I said "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My friend is slightly

   BREAKING NEWS: In a new Marital Sex Survey, women have reportedly faked all their answers ....

   Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan was unable to complete his homework because he had to take me to the Doctor for my lumbago. Signed, Epstein's Mother RIP Robert Hegyes

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my address for some reason. If you want to bring me a dream you can deposit it in my bank account!!

   Does it count as naked if you're wearing a hat? I say yes.