Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   Thank God Obamacare is currently there to take care of those who have unnecessary heart palpitations over Trumpcare.

   Dr fauci just announced we all have to wear jock straps now to stop the spread of covid

   Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.

   Denmark says they're going to loan Greenland to Canada just to mess with and piss off Trump.

   It's only great again for those of us who can spell.......idiot

   Hillary Clinton: 'I Am Getting Pretty Tired of Hearing About How Nobody Likes Me' Gee, what a surprise. Guess what? Here's another surprise. I like beer!

   I'll admit, if Trump eliminates the MS-13 gang, he will have gained my respect. Trump better not deliver a false promise!

   I waited too long.. The stores ran out of winter solstice glasses.

   I kinda skeptical that it's really The Last Jedi.

   I guess Prince Harry realize that Trump can't make the royal wedding great.