Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   Why talk when you can type?

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   Thank God Obamacare is currently there to take care of those who have unnecessary heart palpitations over Trumpcare.