Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   Thank God Obamacare is currently there to take care of those who have unnecessary heart palpitations over Trumpcare.

   I'll admit, if Trump eliminates the MS-13 gang, he will have gained my respect. Trump better not deliver a false promise!

   If you're complaining about kids playing a game outside while sitting on your a$$ judging people on the internet, you probably need to re-evaluate your priorities.

   Trump's RNC is like the episode of Kitchen Nightmares where the guy that never worked in a restaurant bought one, but with a country.

   Authorities Threaten to Boycott Kaepernick While Rapist Brock Turner Gets Extra Police Security??

   hillary immitating the twin towers

   It's only great again for those of us who can spell.......idiot

   Hillary Clinton: 'I Am Getting Pretty Tired of Hearing About How Nobody Likes Me' Gee, what a surprise. Guess what? Here's another surprise. I like beer!

   Dr fauci just announced we all have to wear jock straps now to stop the spread of covid

   Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.

   Denmark says they're going to loan Greenland to Canada just to mess with and piss off Trump.