Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Hurricane Season!!

   my ex-girlfriend walked by me today with her new boyfriend, they both laughed, so I smiled and told him "you must be use to having seconds"

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   facebook is not a shower, keep your clothes on!

   People who like their jobs probably don't think oral sex is necessary either.

   KFC's new "Chicken's Littles" commercial claim "Little is the new big".......poorly endowed men everywhere finally feel adequate after watching

   Before you judge me,.. make sure your perfect!

   Fellaz; Kiss her like you OWN her. Chicks dig that.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   My generation should be on Survivor!! This will be the 54th "end of the world" we have endured!! The Tribe has spoken....We are badas$$!

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.

   finally a cute stalker

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died. Top bloke and will always be remembered for giving me the chance to see my auntie's crack.

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin