Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.

   finally a cute stalker

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died. Top bloke and will always be remembered for giving me the chance to see my auntie's crack.

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   can you just let us believe in who we want to.. quit trying to convince us otherwise

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.