Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   If you can't handle haters then you can't handle fame.

   WARNING! My mind is subject to change.

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?

   Wow the local Chinese food place has online ordering now. Seems like you can order anything online with the click of a button, including a wife. The world is slowly becoming a better place for Stephen Hawking.

   Even straight guys have a gay side.. I have never seen a good lookin group of guys.. With one ugly guy in it..

   The nice black lady working at my hotel is named "Cliche". I hope her brother is named "Stereotype".

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   can you just let us believe in who we want to.. quit trying to convince us otherwise

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.