Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So happy Regis Philbin is finally retiring...I hear he's been trying to vacate his stool for years.

   Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning..Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling? OK.. Thompson Twins I am going to say no if you are taking a piss!

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   I think we should all look to other serious controversial environmental issues for guidance when we think of a punishment for the BP CEO. I think we should club him like a baby seal !! Then we can run a commercial saying that we are sorry for the mess w

   attempting to give a damn: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a damn.

   How many damn vampire movies and shows has there been since Dracula up until Twilight Saga?.....Somewhere between the number of 40 and overkill of film.

   if you tell the truth..you don't have to have a good memory.

   One minute after New Year We are going to have the above binary combination.- 01 : 01 01 / 01 / 10

   looking for a mistletoe belt. Depending on who is around will decide on how I face that person.

   Hopes that the "band" Owl-City are driving around in a recalled Toyota.

   leaving a post it note in this bathroom, saying "outta toilet paper but feel free to use this..."

   goodnight Mary Jane smoke you in the morning.

   I get grossed out whenever I see people who have not cleaned their ears since the Truman administration UGH!

   Question: IF you have a Harley and all the black assessories like HD T-shirt, Chaps, Gloves, Bandananana, booties..everything ... do you really need to go out and rent an Halloween Outfit? :)

   just asked a group of people for a lighter. They thought she was homeless, asking for money. She's wearing false lashes. When was the last time you saw a homeless person with false lashes?

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.