Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!

   knows is all. I just cant remember it all at once!

   if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even

   wonders why there is no swine flu in Iran and asks if it is because of veils or not

   Help me, My stomach is eating my throat.......this is a job for pizza man....

   wondering did someone ever give Sean Paul the light

   WTF? You look like you've been slapped by the Devil....!!!

   if you want to feel skinny....hang out with a group of fat people!

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   Mrs Claus must get quite lonely this time of year. Hmm...think I'll take a ride up to the north pole tonight. ;0)

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles tomorrow morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop like some of you guys.

   So happy Regis Philbin is finally retiring...I hear he's been trying to vacate his stool for years.

   Oh, Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning..Oh, Doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling? OK.. Thompson Twins I am going to say no if you are taking a piss!

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   I think we should all look to other serious controversial environmental issues for guidance when we think of a punishment for the BP CEO. I think we should club him like a baby seal !! Then we can run a commercial saying that we are sorry for the mess w

   attempting to give a damn: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a damn.

   How many damn vampire movies and shows has there been since Dracula up until Twilight Saga?.....Somewhere between the number of 40 and overkill of film.

   if you tell the truth..you don't have to have a good memory.

   One minute after New Year We are going to have the above binary combination.- 01 : 01 01 / 01 / 10

   looking for a mistletoe belt. Depending on who is around will decide on how I face that person.