Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn

   When blk ppl walk their dog it's a chore. When white folk wall their dog it's an expeditionary adventure that clears the intestinal tract.

   Both George Zimmermans parents are hispan!c but he's wh!te, Obama's mother is wh!te but he's bl@ck-------Bl@ck people

   So today Gays and Lesbians are going to chick-fil-a to kiss in protest of the company. I'm hoping to go to see Some hot lesbian action, but it will probably be a bunch of dudes sucking face. #DecsionsDecesions

   Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???

   In case you guys are wondering how screwed up my brain is... I saw a little girl at the store throwing her teddy bear up in the air saying, "he likes to get high" and all I could think was "don't we all sweetie."

   I wish people would stop phoning while I'm ironing. I keep burning my face.

   More people saw Grown Ups 2 than Pacific Rim. This, plus the verdict, sums up America.

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.

   I wonder if sharks have people week.

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   Gentlemen playing leapfrog are kindly requested to complete their leaps. - sign in a g@y nudi$t colony.

   Ladies, if you're gonna catfish a dude, at least give him some head.

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   Damn, two gorillas in one week...

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, FREAK!...My dog is getting married

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV