Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   answered the phone at work, when the person asked if Roger was available..I said no, he's married

   One hot sunny afternoon a man was sitting in his lawn-chair drinking beer and listening to the game, while his wife mowed the lawn. The Lady next store observed this and scolded him.... "How can you sit there and let your wife do the hard work? Any man w

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!

   wonders if she's the only one who gets nervous when she sees a Toyota in her rearview

   Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

   cant believe he just watched the New Kids on The Backstreet Boys bring in the New Year...What a terrible way to brink in 2011

   WARNING! Facebook now scans your brain through your monitor. TO BLOCK, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminium foil. Wrap foil around your head, stay calm & breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem & has been confirm

   Hilarious how both Republicans and Democrats think they do now wrong when both sides are equally as evil...end the 2 party system and America will be great again

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

   The only difference between the New Matrix movie and the old ones is that the Red & Blue pills are now suppositories

   They told God that Joe Paterno was waiting at the Pearly Gates. And then God passed that information along to the proper authorities.

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   I don't like black and white films, they remind me to much of news pappers.

   The next time the hostess asks you "Would you like a table?", you should respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   Did you that a slug has 3,000 teeth and four noses. Beating out Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers by eight teeth.

   R.I.P. Adam "MCA" Yauch...You finally got your License to ILL.

   R.I.P To everyone who didn't make it to this Thanksgiving, I hope their families will be strong & have fun for them.

   my dads a math professor and he staples taco bell applications on failed tests

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."