Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They told God that Joe Paterno was waiting at the Pearly Gates. And then God passed that information along to the proper authorities.

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   I don't like black and white films, they remind me to much of news pappers.

   The next time the hostess asks you "Would you like a table?", you should respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   Did you that a slug has 3,000 teeth and four noses. Beating out Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers by eight teeth.

   R.I.P. Adam "MCA" Yauch...You finally got your License to ILL.

   R.I.P To everyone who didn't make it to this Thanksgiving, I hope their families will be strong & have fun for them.

   my dads a math professor and he staples taco bell applications on failed tests

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   lamophobia is the new Race Card.

   People hate Trump but they secretly cry and wish they were a Billionaire too

   Aaron Hernandez went from getting 40 million as a tight end, to needing two packs of smokes for a tight end.

   (true story) The neighbor guy stop over to thank me. Every time I'm outside grilling and take my shirt off his wife jumps up and runs outside to "mow the lawn" I thought it was weird that she mowed it twice a week.

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   Megyn Kelly said "Jesus and Santa Claus are white" well if they weren't they live in Detroit and East St. Louis!

   Obama and Jerry Jones need to get together and figure out what they are doing wrong with America and America's Team.

   The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

   I had my first gay experience today. I washed the dishes.

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.