Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   "has changed their status to ""drinking beer in the shower."" 9:03am"

   🎶 I got in one little fight and my mum got scared, 🎶 she said You can't slap Chris Rock because your wife has no hair.

   an unlicensed helicopter pilot.

   listed as in a relationship with his blackberry device...

   [You're choking]:---- I have two choices: Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should I just stand there and pray for you?.........Science: 1 , Religion: -10

   obama even suxs more on thanksgiving....

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   President Obama misunderstood that today is Flag Day. He thought it was Hag Day and took Helen Thomas out to lunch.

   The orange man tweets a meme of his golf ball hitting Hilary but cries like a lil spoilt brat when Alec Baldwin parody him on SNL. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it.

   dont forget to turn your clocks back this weekend, i'm turning mine back to 1970 when we had no illegal immigrants

   The Arabian gas station attendant was closing the store when I pulled up. While I was pumping gas, he came outside and was shaking the welcome mat. I asked "What's wrong?... It won't start?

   Let's be honest: The refugees being detained at JFK airport have gone through more vetting than Donald Trump's cabinet.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".

   220 Koreans in a plane crash.... No wonder we already have so many photos of the wreckage. (>_<)

   blackparent:*spank* . DIDNT . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND ! *spank*!

   Obama says the GOP would cripple the country if they won the presidency. Well, at this point being crippled would be an improvement. I'd rather be Christopher Reeve than Terry Schiavo

   My bad, Obama is demanding British rocker Billy Idol change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   My pen!s ejects bronzer if any of you ladies need a spray tan