Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   My daughter just told me when she grows up she wants to live in Kentucky and grow a whole field of ham... My God.

   Damn this brotha is BLACK! Looking like 2:15 in the damn morning!

   B&tch, why the fu&k you coming over if you on your period? Save your gas!

   How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? They buy a new mansion.

   Paris Jackson attempts suicide... Didn't see that one coming.

   I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

   A women's work is never done.especially is she asksk her husband to do it

   A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet , a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an a*s  to pay for it all !