Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   I bought myself a shiny new toy that goes from zero to 215 in just three seconds......L.E.D bathroom scales! ツ

   No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!

   Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   going to take a HOT shower.. it's like a normal shower..only with me in it.

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.

   Build the swamp! Drain her up! Lock the wall!

   Irony is their king is the biggest snowflake of all!

   Melania Trump suing a newspaper and a blogger for $150 million over allegations she was a hooker means her pimp would get 90% of that money.

   I had to tell my kids Stormy Daniels was a scientist because our country is ridiculous.

   The Mail In vote, the senate convicted Trump 7360 to 5.

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   Batman. Not because I have to be. Now because I choose to be.

   I laugh when someone I just met gets mad at me and expects me to care. Like, wtf. I don't give a s**t about you! I don't even know you!

   I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...

   Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Some are intended to make you think.

   Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!

   wearing flip-flops, a tropical shirt, and smoking a joint with 3 hippie-chicks between renditions of kumbaya...anybody care to join?

   In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...

   *Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...