Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.

   decided...husbands are a lot like jack o' lanterns!! Perfect once you cut their heads open and scoop out all the crap!! Happy Halloween :)

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   I don't know why hospitals need to advertise. It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead...

   Ya gotta know the difference between berries and poop.

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

   Attention: Females take dumps too, they just do it more graciously. But it still stinks just as bad.

   Redneck word of the day - Asthma: I don't know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife

   An inuendo is an Italian suppository.

   There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11.

   Fat people are harder to kidnap.

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   Friday the 13th is such a bunch of crap..... hang on, going to go see what this guy in a hockey mask wants at the door.... it's not even hockey season, what an idiot.... brb

   If by girlfriend material you mean lying on the couch in my undies, shoving nutella in my mouth and smoking pot I guess I'm your girl.

   "never on schedule, but always on time." via Retro Status Generator

   I wld rather staple my eyelids to my a☆☆hole...than have to listen to you talk about your bullsh☆t problems! ツ

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.

   You are not a "stay at home mom". If you were, then that means you never leave the house. Just say you are an unemployed mom. That makes sense and its not an insult.

   Facebook is like the fridge...you go and open the fridge for something to eat, nothing looks good. Then five minutes later go back hoping somethings changed...