Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
←Rate | 01-31-2018 10:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
←Rate | 02-04-2018 23:08 by tmk Comments (0)  


   messageicon Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 07:24 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
←Rate | 07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:22 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 10:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 07:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 20:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 06:57 Comments (4)  


   messageicon Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.
←Rate | 11-27-2017 04:50 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 05:14 Comments (0)  



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