Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 11:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.
←Rate | 10-28-2019 16:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.
←Rate | 10-25-2019 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it. Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house. ‬
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men are NOT pigs. Pigs are gentle sensitive and intelligent animals.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 14:52 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I'd worked to learn another language. Only so I'd be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
←Rate | 10-25-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren't on fire and don't have hurricanes.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."
←Rate | 10-25-2019 11:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

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