Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   borrowing money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

   I'm so sorry you must think I actually value your opinion!

   can never be accused of being "high maintenance". Whatever you are cooking for breakfast is fine with him. Just make it snappy, okay? Let's go! Chop Chop!

   "Hi, I have a liberal arts degree. Would you like fries with that?"

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   If Pluto is a dwarf planet and not a real planet, are dwarf people not real people?

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f

   R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!

   San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake!

   voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School

   wonders when John Mellencamp will write a song about the plight of the Facebook farmer?

   that sometimes you just meed to be with the person who makes you smile even if that means waiting