Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TODAY'S GOSPEL: The best way to get along with people is to not expect them to be like you.

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   and today a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions gear

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.

   When I married miss right, I didn't know her name would change to Mrs Always Right.

   There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment...

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   I was watching MMA and a NASCAR Race broke out!!!!

   WARNING! if you get a mail where it says "go to hell", DON'T do it!! It's a fake mail! It's really hot down there and people are pissed

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.