Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   I was watching MMA and a NASCAR Race broke out!!!!

   WARNING! if you get a mail where it says "go to hell", DON'T do it!! It's a fake mail! It's really hot down there and people are pissed

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   Mr Wilson should of just filed for a restraining order against Dennis the Menace..problem solved

   "Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

   Wow, I'm so high I can see my house from here.

   It's so Hot outside I heard that the Taco Bell Chihuahua just put in an a application for Dairy Queen!!!

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!

   "Ugh, guys, I'm so hungover...wait, we declared what last night?!" --July 5th, 1776.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.