Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   Grown ass men on Facebook playing Eye spy..Really?..Well when you're done playing that, maybe you can pull out your childhood easy bake oven, and make us all some cupcakes.

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.

   Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

   People say they're not having the vaccine because they don't know what's in it, yet they'll walk into McDonald's and order a McRib sandwich.

   Walking in a winter wonderland still beats driving a Ford !

   If we had a terror attack like Nice, our president would be on the news telling us we need common sense laws to keep cars out of the hands of terrorists.

   strongly suspects that Lester Holt got his journalism degree from the University of Phoenix.