Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.

   If we had a terror attack like Nice, our president would be on the news telling us we need common sense laws to keep cars out of the hands of terrorists.

   strongly suspects that Lester Holt got his journalism degree from the University of Phoenix.

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one

   Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.

   Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.

   If you call your son Kenneth then you have only yourself to blame if he still lives with you when he's 45

   T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.

   I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   "White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette

   When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch"

   I have a friend that has 3 jobs. Weatherman, Politician, and car salesman. I don't think he's very truthful.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"

   do siamese twins call their colons a "semicolon"?