Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got a wedding invitation, the bride n groom are registered at US Tractor Supply... I bet the reception is gonna rock

   who was the idiot to make umbrellas have metal handles? ..."lets hold this over our heads to keep rain off us & keep us dry but lets put a metal handle on it so we hold metal when we have to keep rain off us during storms"

   I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.

   Voice text to boss ..i wont be in tomorrow in bed with nasty cold.. What he gets .. I wont be in tomorrow in bed with sexy clown..thanx Android..!!

   Been an ugly woman is like being a man you gonna have to work!!!

   I hate it when websites ask me, "Are you a human?" It's like, no, I'm a freakin' unicorn.

   A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

   Terrell Owens held a work out for NFL teams today,was televised by ESPN &the NFL Network.problem was no NFL teams actually showed.Reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite when Uncle Rico is videotaping himself playing football.How much you w

   Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   Just found out the Jersey Show house can be rented for $2,500 a night. That includes all the recommended vaccines

   3 words, 8 letters Say it and I'm yours. "I got food."

   didn't know K. Kardashian was married, in the first place!!!

   Im going to make a Photo Album of Then and Now photos of my high school class mates and tag everybody

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   there any good boxers named mario? would love to see super mario fight pac man

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   Cops dislike txtn and driving ...Really? This bj and beer should be fine.