Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   there any good boxers named mario? would love to see super mario fight pac man

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   Cops dislike txtn and driving ...Really? This bj and beer should be fine.

   Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

   when someone says "no offense".. prepare to be offended

   When I say, "That's interesting", don't assume it is, or that you are right or that I even I agree with you; most likely it means I am not really listening...

   In-laws - Can't stand them, can't kill them, can't get rid of them. . .

   What a beautiful day outside!!! (According to TV.)

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, gamers will survive. It will be up to the dorks to reproduce... they will finally get laid!

   If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?

   If your friend doesn't lift a finger to help you...it is time to first lift a finger and then lift five fingers to wave goodbye!

   California is a nice place to live - if you happen to be an Orange.

   curious. Who will win, Optimus Prime or Voltes V? ..... Answer: TV remote

   war does not determine who's right, only who's left

   Sometimes while I drink my morning coffee I stare out the window think to myself "F#&k, thats a lot of snow!!"

   thinking of practicing random acts. Curb your excitement and hold your applause, I never said they were going to be "of kindness"...just random.

   well I rather tell the truth that draws a tear than a lie that draws a smile