Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.

   I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!