Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman

   “How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES

   Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

   I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.

   Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.

   Friends make the worst enemies

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   And then He said, "Don't be feedin any more homeless people until you have LED screens with this week's sermon in front of all my churches"

   I am the type of person who hides 99 problems behind the happiest smile :)

   Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.

   Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women. Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!