Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.

   Fathers day + My Birthday.. now thats what I call Sonday

   There's no such thing as hot lesbians. They're just chicks who had too much to drink.

   Just turned on the NBA game on the "Spur" of the moment.

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.

   If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   I think The Grinch and Oscar the Grouch were seperated at birth.

   My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!

   Why do these guys with premature ejaculation problems just come out of nowhere.

   Woke up - no Christmas gifts. I guess we all know which list Santa put me on.

   Money is not yours until you spend it.

   I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon

   We all have that one friend we used to do all sorts of crazy stuff with but they suddenly flipped the script and became a born again Christian and now feel awkward hanging out with them because we don’t know what to talk about.

   When are they gonna start smoking marijuana?

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points