Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.

   i used to have super power but my therapist took them away

   Girls always win because girls always have the v@ginas.

   Status Upd@tes are like skirts. The shorter the better.

   Anyone know of a good book for training hamsters? Trying to amass my army.

   What's a nice guy like you doing in a b!tch like her?

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   Ignoring your ass is my favorite way of interacting with you.

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work

   I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.

   Happy Sideckick Day!

   I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.