Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.

   Fixin' to do some mechanic work... Have a rear end to put in my recliner!

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   Stoners make better...uh..wait...nah.....slower..yeah...stoners make slower lovers

   That little heart attack you get when your dog barely touches your foot and you picture a 2 lb spider before you actually look

   missing the days when Facebook status updates had to begin with "is"

   Chocolate lovers are thinner, study says. Obviously they did not contact me.

   Going out on a date with Octomom tonight… Just in case…wearing socks under 3 pairs of condoms…

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Don't bother flirting with a girl on fb who has no pics posted of herself. You'd be better off with your face buried in Randy Jackson's a$$ all night, than to go on a date with her.

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   It's impossible to give 110% -- so right off the bat you are lying to me.

   Nobody complements my girlfriend and gets away with it.

   stuck his hand in the junk drawer; Now it smells like (insert name).

   I'm fairly certain with some BLING and a TIARA I could rule the world :)

   •giving "the silent treatment" only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.

   been poked more times than a fireplace this month.

   if you need any more proof that people's self perception is skewed, just look at their avatars. How you weigh 500 lbs but your avatar is 120 lbs. at best?

   she will name her first cyber baby after you ;)

   pretending I'm a rock super star with Barney karaoke !!!