Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to like Kim Kardashian...until she became a publicity squealin boar. Now I just think she's had her 15 minutes and really needs to stop selling photos and stupid stories to magazines. You lost me at "I'm so annoyed...!!!"

   I hate to say it, but...Times change, seasons change, jobs change, lives change, and even weather changes. But people never do.

   when ur a kid you ask "why do I gotta pick up my toys?"...when ur an adult you get the answer

   Today I heard the band Queen is holding auditions for a lead singer via youtube. I was gonna audition but I look ridiculous in a leotard.

   When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.

   If and when you decide to speak super nonsensical philosophy, Make sure you get the grammar right.

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   Why, when my dad left his phone in the car his phone rang and the ringtone was "Love in this club" by Usher???

   Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

   down in the dumps...no really, this trash is deep...

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   Some people can kill two birds with one stone.... I on the other hand can kill 2 pigs with one bird!

   Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, Ben and Jerry are!

   Actually I thought Numnutz was quite funny in re-posting a status off the first page.

   Every Saturday morning I wake up in fear... the fear of looking through my phone.

   Good night beautiful ladies *Kisses* Good night ugly ladies *hand shakes*

   I'm not loving anyone that I'm not legally required to.

   No more information! We have too much of that stuff.

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.