Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   Some people can kill two birds with one stone.... I on the other hand can kill 2 pigs with one bird!

   Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, Ben and Jerry are!

   Actually I thought Numnutz was quite funny in re-posting a status off the first page.

   Every Saturday morning I wake up in fear... the fear of looking through my phone.

   Good night beautiful ladies *Kisses* Good night ugly ladies *hand shakes*

   I'm not loving anyone that I'm not legally required to.

   No more information! We have too much of that stuff.

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.

   For some people, being able to speak 5 different langauges just means they can be annoying in 5 different languages.

   I don't care about what you're doing, I want hear about how much you hate what you're doing

   Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.

   if she ask "Does this make me look fat", if it does make her look fat, then the best answer is "Nah, it doesn't make you look fat, it just doesn't promote your shape well!"

   All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   I hate it when they call you from someone else's phone And you answered it

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   being chased out by Barzini and the rest of the Five Families...