Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work

   I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.

   Happy Sideckick Day!

   I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT -fools are always so certain of themselves and wiserpeople so full of doubts

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.

   There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

   I've been writing bad Czechs, encouraging them to do better.

   about as useful as a dollar store pregnancy test........but I'm trying to stay positive about it...

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"

   More is better than less because if there's more less stuff, then you might want to have some more. And your parents won't let you because there's only a little. If you really like something, you'll want more of it. We want more, we want more. You really

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.

   Hunny... You dont speak a lick of English.. But you repeated my coffee order perfectly! Will you marry me!

   Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!