Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   If you gonna keep going back to a toxic relationship, deactivate yer social media

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Waxing my car. God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

   Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet” And not “buyarrhea”

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.