Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.

   I'm voting for the old person who doesn't discriminate against hard candies.

   She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   I participated in the downfall of America, and all I got was this lousy sticker?

   About 500 thousand astrologers in India and none of them predicted that the notes will be changed

   Shut the F**k up, eat your turkey and just be thankful!

   This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.

   my new years resolution is 1680 x 1050

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .