Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

   If you haven't met someone, don't despair. There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

   Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

   the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.