Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?

   The Sentimental Growth Story Me: Can you please grow? Hair: Nah..! Muscle: Nope..!! Salary: Don't even dream..!!! Tummy : Bro, for you anything.

   There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women

   Self driving cars are never gonna catch on because of people like this guy who just turned left across 4 lanes of traffic

   Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".

   my credit is so bad, they stopped giving me gift cards.

   First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   So I asked her “what is that alluring perfume you’re wearing “ and she says “OFF Mosquito repellent “ Gets me every time!