Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God I'm an Atheist.

   I love to run my finger up the outline of a womans camel toe.

   nobody. NOBODY is perfect. Therefore X is perfect.

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   not responding

   Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   Dear Obama: a little diaper logic for you. If it stinks, change it....but you aren't supposed to replace it with another sh*tty one!!!

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us. Now we have Obama but no Hope and no Cash

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   They changed the zodiac signs! Are they just going to add in a new random month too?

   YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.

   You definitely can't photoshop your ugly personality

   how do people on game of thrones keep addressing multitudes without the aid of a microphone?

   If you carry a gas can in your trunk, you should rethink your life plan...

   I am not okay with the word 'lotion' since seeing Silence of the Lambs.

   Businesses be like: Buy one get one free if you pay double for the first one.