Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

   If a cop pulls you over and asks for papers, he does not mean the zig zag papers.... :/

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Boycott Cheerios

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really true Trump supporters.