Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

   I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.

   it easy to blame everything on Obama coz he doesnt look like you?

   I hear Hillary is standing behind Senator Weiner. I guess if she can stand behind a slick Willey, she can stand behind a Weiner...

   why are men so smart during sex? because hes plugged into a genius

   friends in low places.

   I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.

   Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

   A vote for Obama is a vote for demise!!

   Feeding your dog Chocolate

   I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   Thanks for the advice, officer. I'll try to be less black next time.

   Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.