Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to my annual visit to the dentist. 3 lost teeth and blood everywhere. But at the same time, because he really hurted me, he deserved it.

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   I joined the Adopt-a-Highway program, I got the road to now where....

   Those people that put up Halloween decorations way too early deserve it when they blow away in the wind today.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   I have come to the conclusion that you can post almost anything on Facebook and most people will automatically assume it to be factual. The odds of this are increased if the post is witty and is accompanied by a cute picture.

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Damn! It's finally beer thirty! See you f uckers Monday!!

   Watching the Election was like watching the Super Bowl but without the possibility of Janet Jackson having a wardrobe malfunction.

   Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.